random jokes
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God Loves Drunk People Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife..
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! “God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk..
Husband running errands for wife
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had eggs.”
Where did the phrase Ya gotta be shittin me come from
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase ‘You gotta be shittin me!
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and
these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?’
Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.’
And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shittin me.’
Old man and the prostitute
An old man went up to this young prostitute and asked for her services. She was surprised at having a customer of this age, he looked to be around 90 years old.
So she took him up to her room and he started to get undressed. She couldn’t help but chuckle seeing the old man pull a package of condoms from his pocket.
Then the old man pulled out a package of cotton balls and began to put them in his ears and nose.
She asked him what in the world he was doing and he replied “Well honey, if there’s two things I can’t stand in this world, it’s the sound of a screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber”
Tim Tebow lives out the rest of his life and finally dies at a respectable old age. When he gets to heaven, God greets him personally, and thanks him for being such a devoted and faithful servant. “Tim, you have lived a righteous life, and set a great example” God said to Tim. “You have earned something here in heaven that most people never receive… a house of your own”. God then showed Tim Tebow his new home, which turned out to be a very small, modest house. As Tim was looking at his new home, he notice another house in the distance. It was a grand three-story mansion, with an enormous yard. In the front yard, flew an enormous New England Patriots flag, and next to that stood a huge golden statue of Tom Brady. In every window, there were Patriots curtains, or towels hanging. Tim Tebow turned to God and asked, “God, I don’t mean to be ungrateful here, but I have served you my entire life without ever waivering in my faith. Why does Tom Brady get such a grand and beautiful house here in heaven, and I, such a modest home? God immediately smiled, laughed loudly, and said, “Oh Timmy, that’s not Tom Brady’s house, IT’S MINE.
I am thoroughly offended :cens
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
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